Boundaries, Trauma Healing, Energy Vampires & Oxygen Masks

Boundaries

Do you say "yes" to every invitation extended to you? Do you agree to do things for others when you really don't want to? Are you angry? Resentful? Annoyed? It may be time to explore setting up a boundary or two.

I have always struggled with setting boundaries for myself. I am a recovering people pleaser. My definition of boundaries felt like a barrier. It felt like I was depriving love to all the humans I wanted to love. Besides, who wants to disappoint others? The word "no" was hardly in my vocabulary until recently.

Trauma Healing

We are all on a healing journey, right? Some further along than others. Our journeys are unique to us. I enjoy a good moment of self-awareness. Learning why I behaved the way i did for so many years. What my body was trying to protect me from and simply how to adjust the behavior that is no longer serving me.

For example, one of the boundary styles that I have gravitated towards is Feign or Submit. What this means is that I have traditionally considered only the needs of others, thereby degrading or being blind to my own needs, or feeling guilty and self-critical about even having needs to begin with. Basically, I put myself in the back of the bus to serve and love everyone in the front. It's not easy for me to put boundaries in place. I honestly want to say yes to everyone because I want everyone to feel loved. However - this is depleting.

When preparing to take off, the flight attendant explains that one must apply the oxygen mask first to themselves and then help others. Why? Because the pressure in the cabin would be dropping - and if they don't apply the mask to themselves first they will pass out. Making them unavailable to help others. This logic is not promoted nor believed when it comes to personal boundaries. The idea that is held tightly to in society is "give until exhaustion".

Energy Vampires

What is an energy vampire? It's not something from the vampire movies. It's perhaps much more scary. Energy vampires are people who tend to be drawn to highly sensitive, empathetic, and happy people. They then feed off of their kindness and compassion until they leave them drained of energy.

What does an energy vampire look like? The following non-exhaustive list may help clear things up.

A lack of accountability. Someone with a lack of accountability will not own their responsibility and will find a way to blame an external situation or stressor for their actions.

Feeling the need to one-up you.

These people like to keep the limelight on themselves. They may often make you feel beneath them or dismiss your problems and guilt trip you by telling you their issues are way worse than yours.

Being at the center of dramatic situations.

Whether they’re the instigator of an issue or someone who took sides, an energy vampire may come to you to play the victim, receive your empathy, and even expect you to find ways to fix the problem.

Dominating discussions.

These talks are not healthy venting sessions but are more likely to be emotional dumping by the energy vampire onto you.

Applying the Oxygen Mask Once you notice that someone in your life is an energy vampire you can begin to establish boundaries. Which is kind of a scary word for us recovering people pleasers, right? We don't want to upset anyone. On the same note - we need that oxygen mask in place!

If you choose to keep them in your life, as they may be a family member or even a co-worker, you may find it helpful to see them less frequently. Perhaps you even limit how quickly you respond to their messages or phone calls or say no to plans with them entirely. Respectfully of course. Being honest about your needs and the relationship is key to protecting your energy. We, as humans, want to be available mentally, emotionally, and physically to those in our lives. Which is why it is vital to expend energy wisely. Maintaing that balance - preventing burn out and even physical illness.

Apply that oxygen mask! Your needs matter.